Many years ago, there were two brothers that grew up together as
best friends. As they grew older, the
older brother, Andrew, began to mature.
He finished school, found a beautiful wife, started a family, and moved
out to a vineyard. Meanwhile, the
younger brother, Ben, had a little bit of trouble growing up and wasn’t quite
ready to become an adult.
As years went on, Andrew became very successful with his
company, earned millions of dollars, and his personality changed for the
worse. He became mad and uptight. He was
selfish and very conceited, although, after a little convincing, Andrew agreed
to let Ben stay in his house as long as he did all the chores, kept up with all the
animals, and slept outside in the barn. "The only way you can stay here, Ben, is if you clean up after my animals and do all my field work for me. As long as you continue to do my work, you can stay here and I'll look after you," explained Andrew to Ben when he begged and pleaded to stay with him.
Andrew’s wife acted the same way as Andrew and didn’t think
Ben deserved to be in their presence, so she ordered him and ordered him around in hopes that he would leave.
"Do this, clean that, wash these, and don't mess up," ordered the wife as Ben slaved away at their work while she stayed inside and didn't have to worry about anything. If he messed up even one time on something small or failed to complete one task before sundown, the wife would beat the little brother until he cried and learned to work faster. Although Ben was grateful for a roof over his head, he was also
stubborn. Ben was sick of being ordered
around and beaten by the wife, so one day he yelled at her until she was too
scared to talk to him any longer.
The older brother came home to find his wife in the back of
a closet shaking because she was scared of the little brother. She accused him of beating her and hurting
her so the older brother stormed out of the house to kill the younger brother. Andrew wanted to make sure that could never happen to his wife again. Ben begged and pleaded with Andrew for him not
to hurt him and he tried explaining himself but Andrew didn’t believe him. He tried everything he could for his brother to believe him but nothing was working and Andrew wouldn't stray away from what his wife proclaimed. Something in the back of Andrew's head knew he should listen to his little brother instead, but he stuck to his wife's accusation and continued on with the fight.
Ben had nothing else to do but pray to God for help. Running in the middle of the vineyard, Ben
asked God if there was anything He could do to help him. All of a sudden, a giant river came rushing
through separating the two brothers so Andrew could no longer reach Ben to kill
him. Ben thanked God and kept running
for the hills.
He found a little shack in the middle of the woods hundreds
of miles away from his older brother and all of civilization so nobody could
find him. Although Ben had run away from Andrew, the connection the
brothers had from when they were younger was still present. As children, they made a pact with an angel
that they would always stick together no matter what. "Stuck like glue, you two, will be blue without the company of you," the angel said to them. If anything were to happen to one another, the angel would send out signs to the other for protection.
One day, years after Ben ran deep into the woods, he came in
contact with a disease carried by insects, lost the fight, and passed away. With the angels above looking down on them for protection, Andrew rapidly received signals and he knew something
wasn’t right. He had to search and seek out his little brother. After weeks of searching, Andrew found his
little brother in the middle of the woods and prayed to God over him
again.
All of a sudden, right before Andrew's eyes, Ben awoke from the dead. He awoke not in the
human form but in the form of a horse that used to roam the vineyards. The angel that created the powerful bond between the two brothers came down and explained everything that had happened to Andrew. One could not be on this Earth without the other. Even if Ben is a horse, they will always be together. Now,
his little brother will always protect Andrew, and Ben will always be with his
older brother.
Author’s Note:
The original story of The Two Brothers was a story about two brothers by
the names of Anpu and Bata. The two
brothers were very close growing up. Bata worked for Anpu as a cowherd. Anpu's wife came on to Bata, so Anpu decided to kill his brother. In my retelling of this story, I felt uncomfortable talking about how the wife seduced the younger brother, so I changed it to verbally abusing Bata. After the younger brother
ran far away, he started his own life and got married, but the brothers did
always have a special connection that no one quite understood. When the younger brother died, the older
brother was sent messages to let him know that his little brother had died so
he had to search for him. When the
older brother found him, he tried to revive him and his soul came back as a
sacred bull that eventually got sacrificed.
In the new story, I changed the bull to a horse because it is more applicable to our culture. The original story also had the river separating the two brothers so Anpu would not kill Bata right away. That gave Bata time to run and hide. I added the supernatural character of the angel coming down to bring the brothers together and add a deeper connection. I felt like the sending of the signals needed to be done by another force that looked over them so angels popped into my mind. I changed the setting that the original story was taken place. The original story took place in the ancient Egypt and included a wife that seduced the little brother. Although those aspects of the story changed, the underlying meaning stayed the same.
Bibliography
"The Two Brothers" by Donald Mackenzie (1907). Website: Ancient Egypt Unit.
In the new story, I changed the bull to a horse because it is more applicable to our culture. The original story also had the river separating the two brothers so Anpu would not kill Bata right away. That gave Bata time to run and hide. I added the supernatural character of the angel coming down to bring the brothers together and add a deeper connection. I felt like the sending of the signals needed to be done by another force that looked over them so angels popped into my mind. I changed the setting that the original story was taken place. The original story took place in the ancient Egypt and included a wife that seduced the little brother. Although those aspects of the story changed, the underlying meaning stayed the same.
Bibliography
"The Two Brothers" by Donald Mackenzie (1907). Website: Ancient Egypt Unit.
So, I actually wrote about the same story and used the same names from the brothers. I guess great minds think alike! I also like the way that you reimagined the tale. The vineyard was a nice touch. The end was a cool twist on the original. The pact with an angel was clever. I just wonder what happened with the lying wife and the older brother.
ReplyDeleteHi Alyse!
ReplyDeleteWow, what a story! There was a lot of action going on. I love the anthropomorphic ending too. It makes it really fun at the end. It's not the happiest fairy tale ending, nor is it the tragic ending that makes us all raise our eyebrows. I like the flow of the story, but I want more. I want to know if the brother realizes the horse is his brother. Great job of retelling the tale.
Wow!
ReplyDeleteI also wrote about this story and I loved to see the differences in our approaches to this story! I really enjoyed how to gave a backstory as to why Ben was living with them. I think that gave the story more depth. I will admit however, that my absolute favorite part of your story was your ending. Reading your story made me want to know more. Your twist on how the brother still remained united after the fact was very clever. You have a great imaginative strategy and I enjoyed it. Great job!
I think it’s crazy that both of the people in my feedback response practice for this week both decided to do portfolios instead of storybook, because that has been mainly what my focus has been on in the last couple of weeks. So I haven’t really seen a lot of portfolios before now, but I thought that your portfolio was really well organized. Everything flowed well, and was easy to find. I really enjoyed your story Big Brother and Little Brother, it did a really great job tackling the trope of brothers and the inconsistencies of life. I don’t know if it was supposed to be this way, but the story had a very Cinderella vibe too it, and it was really interesting to see it changed into a male centric different perspective. I also really liked how you made the story a little bit happier at the end than the original story did. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey, Alyse,
ReplyDeleteI remember reading the original story and how much I enjoyed it, so I was interested to see how you would revamp it. And you did not disappoint – it was very well done.
I enjoyed how you kept the main theme of the story – family bonds run deep, even if we don’t always get along – even as you changed the little details. The image you used was beautiful, too! I have a soft spot in my heart for horses, and that painting is just gorgeous.
I liked the inclusion of an angel, it was a nice touch, and definitely a powerful enough being to cement a bond like this. I liked the little saying the angel used (“Stuck like glue…”), the rhyming was a nice touch!
Though Andrew grew up to be a bit of a dick, I’m glad he was able to reconcile with his brother in the end.
Good luck with the rest of your portfolio!
Interesting story! I was not familiar with the original at first, but now that I am I like the adjustments you made.
ReplyDeleteI think it was creative and important to tell more about what the wife was doing. Giving more detail made it more realistic to me.
I think you have a strong format for your portfolio. Separating the writing into paragraphs makes it easy for the reader to follow and understand. I think you did a good job of keeping the story simple and more modern. Using names that the reader doesn’t have to wonder how they are pronounced always makes me happy as a reader. It also makes me want to finish reading the story.
Grammatical I did not find any errors.
Your Author’s Note was very informative and thought-out. It helped me to understand why you chose to write the story the way you did.
I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was an interesting story. It was easy to read and the storyline flowed very well. Your author's note was very helpful to know what the original story was like. I think you made really appropriate adjustments to make your storytelling unique compared to the original one. I, like you, would probably not be comfortable writing about the wife seducing the other brother, os I think it was funny how you changed her to being a verbal-abuser; I can just picture it in my head! I also like the change from the bull to the horse. I wouldn't have thought of that myself, but I thought it was a good idea. I'm glad you also changed the names to be easier to pronounce and more familiar with the reader.
I thought that the chant from the angel was a really cool idea. I would have liked to see more stuff like that including dialogue.
Overall, great job!
Hey Alyse,
ReplyDeleteWonderful story! I appreciate your writing style - it kept me engaged the entire time and never left me wanting for information or for more excitement. I also like how you changed the story to fit your own beliefs! I also didn't get to read the original story, so the description you gave in the author's notes was incredibly helpful and helped to connect your story to the original one quite nicely.
I like the photo you included, too. It made the story come to life in my imagination even better.
Your grammar is also great - I did not notice any errors.
The way you formatted your story made it easy on the eye and easy to read, so thank you for that!
Again, fantastic story! Your portfolio is off to a great start and I can't wait to read all of your stories. I bet they'll be equally as wonderful and creative.
Hi Alyse,
ReplyDeleteI commented on your other portfolio post last week, so I knew I was probably going to like this story before reading it. I must say, you're doing a really good job with your writing style and storytelling. You're a really good author. You're awesome at adding elements that make your story different from the original story. Despite that, you also do a good job of keeping much of the story in line with the original story. Your author's notes are super beneficial. They really help me understand where you are coming from and how your story is different. You make it easy for the reader to understand everything without having to go back and read the original story too. You're honestly doing a really good job with your portfolio. I look forward to seeing where your future stories take you and I am sure your creativity with your stories will only grow!
Hi Alyse!!
ReplyDeleteWow I’m really impressed with how you modernized your story. Especially since the original story is from Egypt. You really took the main themes of the origin and were able to fit them into a more western setting. I really liked how you wove in all of the details of your story. You could really get a sense of what the characters were really like and you gave plenty of details on the brothers’ relationship. One thing that I would maybe try and do is separate the dialogue and make the quotes a stand-alone paragraph. This really helps the quotes to stand on their own and they can convey SO much. I really like the picture that you chose to represent your story. For some reason it looks like the horse and the man kind of have a brotherly bond. But great job on this story and I look forward to reading more!!
You did a great rendition of The Two Brothers story. I liked the changes you made to make it more relatable to our society. The first part with Ben working for Andrew was good because it had more of a lesson learned from working. If you work hard, then you’ll have the life that you want. In Ben’s case, he didn’t seem to work as hard as his brother, so he didn’t get the life he wanted in the end. There was also a lesson with Andrew and all his wealth making him mad, uptight, selfish, and conceited. It shows that money doesn’t buy happiness.
ReplyDeleteThis is for the writer of the original but the story could have ended without the whole revival thing. I guess it shows how close they were, but I felt like the story was doing great up until that point. Again this is for the original story, not yours. I really liked your story and every story I’ve read of yours has a good lesson, which is something I always like to have with a story.
Hey Alyse!
ReplyDeleteThat was definitely a sad story until the end where it turned out better, and I think you did a great job relaying the emotions of it. I was upset for Ben, and angry at Andrew and his wife. It was also sad that Andrew tried to kill his own brother and that years later Ben ended up dying but I feel that it helped Andrew to see the error of his ways. Your writing seems very strong! I personally think you wrote the story very well.
One thing I noticed was that at the very end of the second paragraph in the sentence that starts with "As long as..." I think you could reword the last part. Since the readers already know Andrew is talking to Ben, instead of saying "Explained Andrew to Ben.." you could say "Explained Andrew when Ben..." or something like that. Hopefully that made sense. Great job again!
Hey Alyse! Your story was so interesting. I haven't read the original story, but I think your adaptation was great. The author's note really helped flesh out the changes you made. I think you can lose a sentence or two in the second paragraph, but keep the dialogue where Andrew tells Ben what he has to do. The dialogue is much stronger than simply telling what was happening. I liked the deal that the brothers had with the angels, but I felt that it needed to be introduced earlier in the story, because it seemed to come out of no where. I liked Ben and I wish that I could know a little bit more about his background before he came to live with his brother. You did a great job of creating a villain in the sister-in-law and I loved that. Overall I think you did a good job, and I look forward to reading more of your stories this semester!
ReplyDeleteHi, Alyse. I really enjoyed reading your story. I had written a story on this story back toward the beginning of the semester. I enjoyed the story quite a bit so decided to write my own. Great job on writing the story. I also didn't really like how the wife came onto the brother and how she turned it around and said the brother had tried to attack her. I didn't find anything wrong with the story. It flowed well and I couldn't find and spelling or grammatical issues with it. I like the picture you chose also. It gives an idea of how the relationship between the two brothers was a good relationship after all they had been through. I think everything worked out great and nothing that I can tell needs to be changed. I enjoyed reading your story and look forward to reading more from you.
ReplyDeleteHey Alyse, your story was very interesting and sad in a sense because one of the brothers has to work for the other. It seems like the younger brother lives to serve the older brother, which is a very sad story in my opinion. Regarding your story I like how you able to change the story to a more PG rated story from the original, which has the wife seduce the little brother. In this way this story could be told to all audiences. I also like the angels show up and tell the brother what had happened and how he had turned into a horse. This gives the story a more supernatural setting and shows how other being intervened to inform the older brother. Your story was a unique and fun to read. I think you did a very good job with it! Keep up the good work cant wait to read more
ReplyDeleteAlyse,
ReplyDeleteI haven't done a rewrite in so long...I remember reading the original story for reading diaries. I knew right away which story you had chosen. I noticed some of the details that changed. I thought maybe since you were changing things, I thought maybe you would've given the story a happier ending. The story had a sad feel to it. I was rooting for Ben and Andrew to work it out and be brothers again. Poor Ben, he tried.. This was a good story. I didn't notice any grammar errors. It flowed very well. I hope Andrew will take better care of Ben from now on! Good job!